HOW TO LEARN WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS ARE
Who are your friends? Who do you attract?
If I ask you how many friends you have, what would your answer be? Many people think that they need to have as many friends as they can to feel good and secure. I love people and I need them in my life, but I refuse to call someone a friend that I do not feel good around, someone who does not treat me well and would still pretend to be a good friend, or someone who is not there for me when I need them. In other words, those who call you when they need something from you or when it is convenient for them, and then they forget about you until the next party you throw, these are just the people you know, the acquaintances.
I am at the point in my life when I do not want to be around the people who do not serve me or match who I am. It took me a while to understand why at some point in my life I wanted to be surrounded with tons of people, so-called friends, to feel good. It happened because I did not know who I was, what I needed or wanted, and I simply was insecure, did not accept or love myself. I will not lie, it takes a lot of effort to work on yourself, but once you truly know you, things change dramatically for good. I don’t like nor I have time for drama, and some people, who I used to hang out with before, don’t fit my life anymore; it does not mean that I ignore or shut them off now, I still talk to them, but I do not allow them into my life anymore and these people take the back seat now.
One thing I can tell you for sure, people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
I am not here to impress anyone anymore, neither are you. I am not here to please everyone, but to be real and authentic. Remember that it impossible to be liked by or like everyone, we are all so different. We are not perfect and real friendships are not built on perfections; true friends accept and appreciate you for who you really are and it goes both ways. You attract alike people who share similar values, view on life, likes, dislikes, etc. So if you are an insecure person, it is highly unlikely that you will attract and stay close friends with a very confident person. But you have a choice to grow and learn and be better. On the other hand, if you are the one who’s constantly growing and your friends stay at the same level for years, do you really want them around a lot and be dragged down? You may ask, why would they drag you down? They probably would not do that intentionally, but you will not feel content with such relationships, you will feel void, little by little you will grow apart and you may even start feeling guilt for being in a different place in life than they are.
I promise you, there will people in your life who you do not feel connection with anymore, but you still feel some kind of obligation to keep the friendships alive. It can happen because you’ve known each other for years, you had a pretty close friendship in the past, or maybe it is a relationship between family members that you feel obligated to keep alive. My advice is to not take this personally and remove yourself from such people, if possible, or they will detach themselves from you in one way or another. One of you must have grown and expanded, while the other one stayed stagnant or one of you was not strong enough and was influenced by other people to make certain decisions or even to walk away from your life. Why does this happen? Often a change occurs in one’s values, way of thinking and perception. Also, sometimes you simply do not know others well to realize that they are not your match and do not fit your life right from the beginning or they came to your life just to teach you a lesson.
So how much your so-called friends truly know about you or how much you allow them to know? How much do you know about them?
If you’re not sure about the people around you, answer these questions honestly and your perception about people who you call friends will be cleared. You do not need to share the answers, do it for yourself, so you know exactly who is who in your life.
- Do your friends know who you truly are (e.g. your good and bad past and present, what you love doing, where you love going, eating, etc.)?
- Do you trust them with your thoughts and secrets?
- Do they check on you on a regular basis (or maybe they reach out to you only when they need something from you)?
- Would you feel comfortable calling them in the middle of the night if you needed? Would they respond and help you?
- Do they respect you and listen to what you have to say? Or maybe they do most of the talking and you’re there just to listen all the time?
- Do they stand up (or speak up) for you even in a not so comfortable situation?
- Do they stay by your side no matter what?
- Do they judge you behind your back?
So what do you see? What are the patterns of your relationships? Are you blessed with wonderful people in your life or have you just realized that some of them are not “your people”?
You will find that some people can really surprise you in a good way; when you’re going through some rough times people, who you least expect to hear from, come forward and stay by your side. However, from time to time the former close friends will show their true colors and drift away or you may meet people without a deeper connection. I am not saying to run away and shut such relationships down (unless the circumstances dictate you to do that), I believe that you need to understand why such people are in your life and what role they play(ed) in your life.
Always start with you. Look at yourself first. Dig deep.
If you seek friendships just for the sake of having tons of people in your life, you need to think of what void you’re trying to fill, what makes you feel insecure or why you may need to have approval from others. If things are not the way you want to be in your relationship with a significant other, again, start with you, analyze how you see things, what you want, what you’re not getting and how you’re “contributing” to the situation. Do the needs, wants and values match with the other person’s needs, wants and values?
If you truly want things to change, start with you. You cannot change anyone, but you can improve and grow you, and be a better you.